He was afraid of my light. Not because it burned him,
but because it showed me things clearly.
Showed me who I was. Showed me what I carried.
Showed me that I had been shrinking myself
to fit inside a room, he had made too small for me.
So, he tried to dim it.

He said,
you think too much.

He said,
you always have to have something to say.

He said,
why can’t you just be satisfied?

He called my confidence arrogance,
my questions disrespect, my dreams unrealistic.
When I spoke with certainty, he interrupted. 
When I created something beautiful,
he found the flaw.
When someone praised me,
he became quiet.
 
When I began to believe in myself,
he reminded me of every mistake
I had ever made.
He knew how to turn a compliment
into a warning.
 
Don’t get too full of yourself.

He knew how to turn ambition
into accusation.
 
You always want more.

He knew how to make my joy
feel like something I should apologize for.
And little by little,
I started covering my own flame.
 
I softened my voice.
Lowered my expectations.
Made myself smaller in conversations.
Stopped sharing good news
before he could stain it.
I mistook peacekeeping for peace.

But light remembers what it is.
Even beneath ash,
even behind closed curtains,
even when someone spends years
trying to convince it
that darkness is safer.
Because he did not give me this light.

God did.

God placed it in me
before he ever knew my name.
Before his criticism.
Before his silence.
Before every attempt
to make me question
what heaven had already declared.
This light was never meant
to make me comfortable.

It was meant to guide me.
To warm what had grown cold.
To reveal what had been hidden.
To remind me
that I was not created
to disappear inside someone else’s shadow.
So, now I shine differently.
Not loudly.
Not for attention.
Not to prove anything.
I shine because I finally understand
that dimming myself
was never humility.
 
Anyone who loves me
should never require darkness
as the price of staying.
He was afraid of my light.
 
But God was not.
God gave it to me.
And what God lit in my soul
was never meant
to be dimmed.

Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash